The Fruits of Favoritism

Have you ever been with a group of people, and two of them in particular were very good friends with one another? Half the time, they're laughing about inside jokes that only they 'get'. Maybe they'll gradually exclude the other people in the group from their conversation, or go off somewhere else. However, those two people would be shocked if you told them that they were being exclusive!

You probably remember how you felt--unhappy, lonely, and dis-valued. But are you a culprit of exclusiveness too?

Before I go on, I'll say that this applies to siblings. However, if you have one or no siblings, you can also apply this to friends, or even parents.

Favoritism is a form of exclusiveness. Among siblings it's a common thing. Usually one of the children (in the case of our family...*guilty face*...it's the oldest) will show more attachment to one sibling and not the other. It's easy, too. They might be the closest in age, are interested in the same things, or do much of the same activities.

It gets to a point where they have almost a line of communication that only they can access--a little sign with the hand, a look, a nod of the head, etc. Eventually, the two will start showing favors to one another by maybe turning the other way when something is wrong, or automatically blaming the sibling they don't favor in fights.

Of course, the two think they're doing great because they're getting along with a sibling...or that is, one of them.

In reality, they're hurting their other siblings and causing strife. Jealously, bitterness, and detachment are the fruits of favoritism. Just look at the story of Joseph.

His father favored Joseph more than his brothers, and for that he got sold to Egypt. Of course, God was working in this for good, but that's no excuse. Yes, God can produce good out of our evil, but that doesn't mean we should do it. The nation of Egypt was saved from devastating starvation, but Jacob suffered for years with a family torn apart by the fruits of favoritism.

It's really easy to overlook favoritism if you're doing it yourself (realize that this is the voice of bitter experience...). Here's a few hints to look for:

1. You find yourself automatically siding with one sibling and against the other in a fight, even if you have a nagging feeling that it's unfair.

2. You spend more time with one sibling than another.

3. Your tone of voice towards one sibling is mostly gentle, but you find yourself speaking toward another judgmentally.

4. You get angry when your parents 'excuse' bad behavior with one sibling (although you feel like they're being merciful and loving when they do the same to another)

5. You and one sibling tend to 'gang up' on another sibling during disputes.

I've said that I am speaking from my own experience. Yes, it's true. I'm coming to realize more and more that one sibling in particular is excluded from what another sibling and I do. One reason is that the sibling I favor is more my age, and we tend to like the same movies and do many activities together. The sibling I don't favor is a lot different from me, and our ages are further apart. The warning hints that I listed above are the ones that I found when I searched my actions.

Now, here are some helping tips:

1. First off, don't stop favoring the sibling you were. If you just shift your favor to another sibling, then you still have the same problem. Favor your brothers and sisters, but favor them equally!

2. Find a special time you can spend with your unfavored sibling. Once again, continue to spend time with the sibling you favor, but try to equally include your other sibling. Have a tea party with both of them, or set up a little Bible study. Help them gain a skill, or gently encourage them in their schoolwork.

3. Always look at both sides of an argument between your two siblings. Support the side that is right, not the side of the person that you show more favors to.

4. The 'both sides' hint goes for when your parents deal with the siblings.

5. Don't gang up on either sibling. If you and one sibling have a secret communication system, why don't you include your other sibling in it, or give them a wink or a nod from time to time too.

Favoritism can tear a family apart. It happened to Joseph's family. Don't let it happen to yours.

In Christ,

Princess Izori